After saying bye to this blog (yea, I told myself to stop writing here.....too much work), I am here today because of something I can't explain.
I don't understand myself again, the thing is I really really feel like a stranger to myself. I knew my former self very well, I knew the things I wanted and didn't want when my former self was all about me, I had a very good picture of the future I wanted and could plan, strategise and make goals to get it.
Today its a different story; I don't know myself anymore. I mean there is a new me and I do not know this new person. I now find it very hard to ask God for things anymore (things other than spiritual-related things), I am even scared of having desires- because I fear that my desires could differ from God's perfect will for my life, I practically do not have a picture of my future- I'm holding on to only what God has promised in His word, I cant make plans, strategise, set goals to arrive at this future like I used to do in the past..............believe me it is soo scary not to be able to plan your life (asides holding onto the Word). So many things are happening in my life at about the same time and it is just really scary that I am no longer in charge, the fright of what will happen next , will I survive it? is soo real.
I have come to realize that this strange feeling is something peculiar to a lot of believers particularly in the early days of their walk with God. The world feels like a really big place all of a sudden (before it felt like a small village), I do not know what the future holds for me but as strange as it is I am learning to trust God who has promised to give me a hope and a future.
I dunno but I really feel like 'an individual' now. Like I have been picked alone for this experience and so most times I feel all alone, many times I feel like i'm losing my mind, other times I feel really strange, like this new life is not real, like I am dreaming, like I am unconscious, like I would soon wake up to reality, like I'm going gaga.
'I think I need someone to explain it all to me and tell me that this is actually real'
I am just really unsure of almost everything. I think the only thing I am sure of is the fact that Oluwa is involved in my matter., and even this fact is scary. Why did He become involved suddenly? Where is all of this leading to? What does He really want from me? Will I be a capable hand? What does He want me to do for Him? Am I losing it? What really is happening? Why does it seem like I am no longer normal? I really want to enjoy a normal life, I have been born-again for like 5/6 years now, so what explains all of these weird feelings? What is this all about?
I almost broke down/ gave up today. I am just very tired of all these strange feelings. I miss those days when I had an idea of what would happen next. I miss being a normal person (honestly I probably still look normal but I really do not feel normal), I wish there was someone's arms to run into now. I just really need help. I dunno what's happening with me. Someone please call 911.
Monday, November 7, 2016
Monday, August 1, 2016
Its exactly 5 years today!
Yeah, today makes it the fifth year since the calling of daddy home to glory.
Hmmn..............
It hasn't been easy but God has been so faithful. Within the five years of his exit, the family has recorded 3 marriages, 1 grandchild, 3/4 degrees, more properties, elevation on all sides....all by the Grace of God. I remember thinking I was going to become a drop-out but I continued till finish with no itch.
I really miss my dad. Though I hardly cry again, in short I barely barely cry. I cried this year "by Chance" and it had to do more with thanking God for a life well spent. Yea, it was a cry of thanks.
I'm growing everyday and I wish he was around to see me growing this way. There are many times I wish I could talk to him and ask him certain questions but all in all I give God the glory.
I particularly miss having a father figure in my life. I really feel like a headless chicken sometimes; at times I wish there was this father that I could discuss matters with, take advice from, lean on and draw wisdom from. I sometimes find myself wanting to get into a relationship only because of that missing father figure but God's time is the best.....I need to stop being selfish.
*Anyways I decided to write this post because I saw the tribute I wrote to him on his burial day and here it is*
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{August 2011}
In my whole life, the only man that I have seen so determined and strong-willed, so disciplined yet loving is you. Daddy you are one man that distinguished himself everywhere he went. You taught me the word of God and the ways of this life. You were a father to all, a man who stood for what was right, who respected other people's views but feared nobody, who always put God first in everything, who was diligent and hardworking and who cherished this family.
A man's life is not measured by the number of years spent on earth but the number of lives affected by him and so daddy, you have lived a very good life. Words cant express who you are to us and to the people you are acquainted with, my joy is just that you are now resting in the bosom of the Lord.
My Father, my Mentor, my Bestfriend
Adieu mon pere
*forever in our hearts*
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At some point in my life, I could have wished for a better dad, but I'm grateful God gave me you. You were not perfect, infact you were far from perfect if I examine well enough, but you gave your best to us. I trust God that the good things you tried to do for me/instill in me will be perfected.
One funny thing is that I find it hard to call outsiders 'daddy' regardless of how other people esteem them; I trust God to be able to see my spouse as my best-friend, my big-brother, my father, my confidant, my spiritual leader, my playmate, my prayer partner, my business partner...
Hmmn..............
It hasn't been easy but God has been so faithful. Within the five years of his exit, the family has recorded 3 marriages, 1 grandchild, 3/4 degrees, more properties, elevation on all sides....all by the Grace of God. I remember thinking I was going to become a drop-out but I continued till finish with no itch.
I really miss my dad. Though I hardly cry again, in short I barely barely cry. I cried this year "by Chance" and it had to do more with thanking God for a life well spent. Yea, it was a cry of thanks.
I'm growing everyday and I wish he was around to see me growing this way. There are many times I wish I could talk to him and ask him certain questions but all in all I give God the glory.
I particularly miss having a father figure in my life. I really feel like a headless chicken sometimes; at times I wish there was this father that I could discuss matters with, take advice from, lean on and draw wisdom from. I sometimes find myself wanting to get into a relationship only because of that missing father figure but God's time is the best.....I need to stop being selfish.
*Anyways I decided to write this post because I saw the tribute I wrote to him on his burial day and here it is*
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{August 2011}
In my whole life, the only man that I have seen so determined and strong-willed, so disciplined yet loving is you. Daddy you are one man that distinguished himself everywhere he went. You taught me the word of God and the ways of this life. You were a father to all, a man who stood for what was right, who respected other people's views but feared nobody, who always put God first in everything, who was diligent and hardworking and who cherished this family.
A man's life is not measured by the number of years spent on earth but the number of lives affected by him and so daddy, you have lived a very good life. Words cant express who you are to us and to the people you are acquainted with, my joy is just that you are now resting in the bosom of the Lord.
My Father, my Mentor, my Bestfriend
Adieu mon pere
*forever in our hearts*
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At some point in my life, I could have wished for a better dad, but I'm grateful God gave me you. You were not perfect, infact you were far from perfect if I examine well enough, but you gave your best to us. I trust God that the good things you tried to do for me/instill in me will be perfected.
One funny thing is that I find it hard to call outsiders 'daddy' regardless of how other people esteem them; I trust God to be able to see my spouse as my best-friend, my big-brother, my father, my confidant, my spiritual leader, my playmate, my prayer partner, my business partner...
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Loving my Best Friend :D
I think this redefining moment started fully in October 2015, though September was when things were actually put in place and set in motion; it (re-moment) has however been glorious. Apparently the Holy Spirit wanted to start full operations in me and so after many months of heaviness in my heart I finally quit my job without knowing what was going to happen next. Believe me, it was crazy, I personally felt I was running out of my mind, the fear of what would happen next was very real. I finally followed the yearning in my spirit and started reading my bible from Genesis (I completed it earlier this month and I have started it again...there is so much power in the Word) and believe me the Word is Life, it washes, cleanses, purifies & sanctifies. I read several other books, in short I have lost count of the books I have read in these past 8 months; I however started the 're-moment' with 'The Greatest Power in the Word' by Katherine Kulman and I just conclude "Evangelism by Fire' by Pst. Reinhard Bonkke.
So in the past 8 months, there has been a lot of unlearning and learning, tearing away, casting crowns, lifting hands, bowing hearts, forgiving others, living by faith, knowing my identity in Christ, casting out demons, fighting battles, breaking free, and so much more. It has been awesome but it hasn't been easy at all, but again His grace has been sufficient. I have had to cry so much; I never even knew that I actually had an issue with genuinely forgiving others, I always thought I was a very nice person only to realise that I'v only been nice according to human wisdom, I never knew I had been proud all the while only to find out that I had only been practising fake humility, well I somehow knew I had the traits of a feminist, I just never knew Submission was really a big issue for me, I never knew I had been living in fear all the while, at my best- I only wanted to live to impress others, there has never really been any other driving force; I never really knew the meaning of the love of Christ, I always thought I had faith- I just started knowing the meaning of living by faith, truthfully I never really appreciated gifts from people- While I thought it was because I naturally do not like collecting things from people- I just realised that it was actually because I had this 'I can afford something better' mentality, and so much more that I can't type.
I remember I fought that forgiveness issue so hard, but forreal, forgiveness gives the one that forgives peace. Particularly on relationship matters, I fought so hard to keep my barricades (I had unconsciously barricaded my heart so that no man would ever hurt me), but the Holy Spirit broke me flat. I remember saying "no, I can't become vulnerable' and I heard Him saying "yes, you have to become vulnerable and learn to trust me- which is exactly what I am doing now. I remember Him telling me to start living independent of others (I'm so used to depending on my siblings for everything, living with the last child mentality, living like a baby and so everybody must pamper me, lacking boldness to launch out/take the initiative except my siblings/friends are willing to walk the walk with me). Thanks to my best friend, I have become a better daughter, sibling, friend and person in all ramifications. I trust God to overcome all of my fears (some of them are still there), to become fearless, to get rid of emotions- emotions make people fragile.
The 'moment' is not over; as a matter of fact it will never be over. However, the foundation has been set, since there's no going back- we can only by God's grace build on it. Today I yearn so much for His fullness, to shine brighter and brighter as His light, to be excellent in all things, to be a good example to believers, to bear fruits, to shake the world, to be a blessing to millions, to be the head, to stand firm, grow in the grace and knowledge of Christ Jesus, to get the Crown, and much more. I look forward to an everlasting relationship with Him.........
SO HELP ME GOD!
Something puzzling is that I am very aware that the Holy Spirit is present, I sometimes, I am not just sure that I hear Him everything He speaks and this is a major concern. Many at times I just ask 'what exactly do You want from me' and I hear nothing. There's nothing as scary as thinking God is leading into something and then you pray so much for it to come into manifestation without your prayer ever getting answered. It has just made me feel that I have been hearing wrongly and I am now in so many doubts, I have even gotten tired of praying and asking for the next line of action but then I am getting really restless these days and it doesn't feel good. I shouldn't be feeling this way right?? but forreal i'm really trying hard not to faint and I am getting tired of trying. I just wish He would speak clearly now, about what He wants me to do and make provisions for me to do it
So in the past 8 months, there has been a lot of unlearning and learning, tearing away, casting crowns, lifting hands, bowing hearts, forgiving others, living by faith, knowing my identity in Christ, casting out demons, fighting battles, breaking free, and so much more. It has been awesome but it hasn't been easy at all, but again His grace has been sufficient. I have had to cry so much; I never even knew that I actually had an issue with genuinely forgiving others, I always thought I was a very nice person only to realise that I'v only been nice according to human wisdom, I never knew I had been proud all the while only to find out that I had only been practising fake humility, well I somehow knew I had the traits of a feminist, I just never knew Submission was really a big issue for me, I never knew I had been living in fear all the while, at my best- I only wanted to live to impress others, there has never really been any other driving force; I never really knew the meaning of the love of Christ, I always thought I had faith- I just started knowing the meaning of living by faith, truthfully I never really appreciated gifts from people- While I thought it was because I naturally do not like collecting things from people- I just realised that it was actually because I had this 'I can afford something better' mentality, and so much more that I can't type.
I remember I fought that forgiveness issue so hard, but forreal, forgiveness gives the one that forgives peace. Particularly on relationship matters, I fought so hard to keep my barricades (I had unconsciously barricaded my heart so that no man would ever hurt me), but the Holy Spirit broke me flat. I remember saying "no, I can't become vulnerable' and I heard Him saying "yes, you have to become vulnerable and learn to trust me- which is exactly what I am doing now. I remember Him telling me to start living independent of others (I'm so used to depending on my siblings for everything, living with the last child mentality, living like a baby and so everybody must pamper me, lacking boldness to launch out/take the initiative except my siblings/friends are willing to walk the walk with me). Thanks to my best friend, I have become a better daughter, sibling, friend and person in all ramifications. I trust God to overcome all of my fears (some of them are still there), to become fearless, to get rid of emotions- emotions make people fragile.
The 'moment' is not over; as a matter of fact it will never be over. However, the foundation has been set, since there's no going back- we can only by God's grace build on it. Today I yearn so much for His fullness, to shine brighter and brighter as His light, to be excellent in all things, to be a good example to believers, to bear fruits, to shake the world, to be a blessing to millions, to be the head, to stand firm, grow in the grace and knowledge of Christ Jesus, to get the Crown, and much more. I look forward to an everlasting relationship with Him.........
SO HELP ME GOD!
Something puzzling is that I am very aware that the Holy Spirit is present, I sometimes, I am not just sure that I hear Him everything He speaks and this is a major concern. Many at times I just ask 'what exactly do You want from me' and I hear nothing. There's nothing as scary as thinking God is leading into something and then you pray so much for it to come into manifestation without your prayer ever getting answered. It has just made me feel that I have been hearing wrongly and I am now in so many doubts, I have even gotten tired of praying and asking for the next line of action but then I am getting really restless these days and it doesn't feel good. I shouldn't be feeling this way right?? but forreal i'm really trying hard not to faint and I am getting tired of trying. I just wish He would speak clearly now, about what He wants me to do and make provisions for me to do it
Life of Service!
Well before Bayelsa happened, I never knew anything about a life of purpose, thank God I do now. Following the series of teachings by the Holy Spirit, I have realized that life, especially life as a believer is not all about going to school, getting a well-paying job, buying choicest things, showing off one's wealth on/off social media and saying Baba God noni, wearing designers, etc, like I used to; Life is all about serving others.
Following God's promise to me that the wealth of the heathen shall come to me, that I shall not build for others to inhabit, that the sons of foreigners will labour for me to enjoy, etc, I am sure that if I decided to just fold my hands and not work all my life I will not suffer lack because I have an understanding that my birthright is not to be doing a job primarily for an income ( If I get paid for doing a/my job then that would be an extra income :d) and so I am covered.
No wonder people are always unsatisfied with jobs regardless of what the HR personnel put in place to improve job satisfaction; whereas, it is just as simple as they knowing that the joy in serving others is what actually brings job satisfaction. The meaning of life lies with our service to others, with shining brightly as God's light so that men will glorify HIM, with being fruitful in good works, with being a blessing unto others, with manifesting as the children of God. The scriptures say that the world is eagerly awaiting the manifestation of the sons of God-----to do what??to rescue, save, salvage, make it a better place.
Meaning, until we manifest (serve with our divine deposits) the world can never be better than it is. MSCs, MBAs and PHDs will not make the world better, it is we the sons of God that are led by the Holy Spirit that will make the world better with our unique abilities. It is so cool to realize that Nigeria needs me to manifest for things to get better; without me and my siblings in Christ, She will hardly progress, She might just keep going in circles and if I should just decide to get carried away and start working for pay (in a foreign country) then She is on her own. She should even be thankful to God that some of us have discovered/ started discovering the true meaning of living on earth. Glory to God, we Sons need not worry about what we will eat,drink, wear, use, because we are more valuable than sparrows and silver & gold are HIS, He has got our back, and as such we can work happily to genuinely better the society.
IN A NUTSHELL, WE NEED MORE SONS. NIGERIA, AFRICA& THE WORLD AT LARGE WILL ONLY GET BETTER BECAUSE OF THE AVAILABILITY OF SONS WHO ARE AWARE OF THEIR HERITAGE............I didn't even plan this post let alone plan it this way but this is a reawakening/hit (Thank You Holy Spirit), We need to go into the world and make disciples of all nations, we need to make/harvest sons!!!!!
Halleluyah!
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
#Selflove
Hi diary :)
2016 has been my best year so far and honestl, I am looking forward to 2017 already to enjoy more of His faithfulness.
What were yu thinking before? Well, the Holy Spirit is responsible for this excitement. We've really had the best of times in this year, He has been my confidant, my leading, my advisor, my inspiration, my peace, my evrything and for the first time in my life, my joy/excitement is nt because of my bank account. As a matter of fact, thoughts of my acct balance under normal circumstances should make me cry and to b really sad.
So I came here because i wanted to write about my new found love for myself. I'm getting to really appreciate myself. I'm smart, intelligent, cute, bold, sensible, fun to b with, beautiful, matured, of great value and im filled with His excellent Spirit.
(whispering) now that i love myself and i knw my worth in God, i think i can love him too and so im getting interested in meeting my bff( nw im getting shy- im getting outta here.
Im excited abt His plans tho!
and i wanted to sing this song.
and........
2016 has been my best year so far and honestl, I am looking forward to 2017 already to enjoy more of His faithfulness.
What were yu thinking before? Well, the Holy Spirit is responsible for this excitement. We've really had the best of times in this year, He has been my confidant, my leading, my advisor, my inspiration, my peace, my evrything and for the first time in my life, my joy/excitement is nt because of my bank account. As a matter of fact, thoughts of my acct balance under normal circumstances should make me cry and to b really sad.
So I came here because i wanted to write about my new found love for myself. I'm getting to really appreciate myself. I'm smart, intelligent, cute, bold, sensible, fun to b with, beautiful, matured, of great value and im filled with His excellent Spirit.
(whispering) now that i love myself and i knw my worth in God, i think i can love him too and so im getting interested in meeting my bff( nw im getting shy- im getting outta here.
Im excited abt His plans tho!
and i wanted to sing this song.
| I’m pressing on the upward way, New heights I’m gaining every day; Still praying as I onward bound, “Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.” | |
| Lord, lift me up, and let me stand By faith on Canaan’s tableland; A higher plane than I have found, Lord, plant my feet on higher ground. |
Oh
| happy day that fixed my choice On Thee, my Savior and my God! Well may this glowing heart rejoice, And tell its raptures all abroad. | |
| Happy day, happy day, When Jesus washed my sins away! He taught me how to watch and pray, And live rejoicing every day; Happy day, happy day, When Jesus washed my sins away! | |
2
| ’Tis done—the great transaction’s done; I am my Lord’s, and He is mine; He drew me and I followed on, Rejoiced to own the call divine. |
3
| Now rest, my long-divided heart, Fixed on this blissful center, rest; Here have I found a nobler part, Here heav’nly pleasures fill my breast. |
Monday, March 7, 2016
Naija Values questionable
To be cqndidI ront tink I wqnt to femain in this country. Its tily hard to succeed here especially when ur stipp discovering yourself.
So recently, the news was filled with the story of how a bread seller became a model overnyt. When I hrd her story all I could say waw grace qt wotk and believe me, God's is unexplainable.
What has however irritated me abt it all is d hype nd noise frome the media. Believe me she is all over. I font hqve anytin to sqy abt her petson cus i dunno her, she wasnt overpy prepared for smipe of gortune, shes nt overly fine nd al........but she's got app these wonderfup endorsements that models with years nd decades of experience ront have yet.
Lets vompare this public recogntion with that of Opfeyemi Dada (I hope thats his name)- the 5.0 Psychology graduate from Unilqg. in the schools 54 years of existence nobody has ever set that record; even in the whole of Nigeria. But what was done to appreciqte this greqt feat, he was given 500000 by an awaaard sponsor then mtn gave gim iphone qnd free airtime.............what does that tepp us abt naija. Little wonder why great minds are leaving the country to work where their iq will be celebrated and appreciated.. This guy has not gotten a single endoresement from anybd in the centre of excellence/fountain of knowledge(Ekiti-where he hails from/the giant of Qgricq( his home country).....smh.......aoo sas
So recently, the news was filled with the story of how a bread seller became a model overnyt. When I hrd her story all I could say waw grace qt wotk and believe me, God's is unexplainable.
What has however irritated me abt it all is d hype nd noise frome the media. Believe me she is all over. I font hqve anytin to sqy abt her petson cus i dunno her, she wasnt overpy prepared for smipe of gortune, shes nt overly fine nd al........but she's got app these wonderfup endorsements that models with years nd decades of experience ront have yet.
Lets vompare this public recogntion with that of Opfeyemi Dada (I hope thats his name)- the 5.0 Psychology graduate from Unilqg. in the schools 54 years of existence nobody has ever set that record; even in the whole of Nigeria. But what was done to appreciqte this greqt feat, he was given 500000 by an awaaard sponsor then mtn gave gim iphone qnd free airtime.............what does that tepp us abt naija. Little wonder why great minds are leaving the country to work where their iq will be celebrated and appreciated.. This guy has not gotten a single endoresement from anybd in the centre of excellence/fountain of knowledge(Ekiti-where he hails from/the giant of Qgricq( his home country).....smh.......aoo sas
Thursday, February 25, 2016
I and this my relationship matter
So I saw this post somewhere and I thought to share here. It bothers on succesful relationship after wedding.
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