Monday, November 7, 2016

Call 911

After saying bye to this blog (yea, I told myself to stop writing here.....too much work), I am here today because of something I can't explain.

I don't understand myself again, the thing is I really really feel like a stranger to myself. I knew my former self very well, I knew the things I wanted and didn't want when my former self was all about me, I had a very good picture of the future I wanted and could plan, strategise and make goals to get it.

Today its a different story; I don't know myself anymore. I mean there is a new me and I do not know this new person. I now find it very hard to ask God for things anymore (things other than spiritual-related things), I am even scared of having desires- because I fear that my desires could differ from God's perfect will for my life, I practically do not have a picture of my future- I'm holding on to only what God has promised in His word, I cant make plans, strategise, set goals to arrive at this future like I used to do in the past..............believe me it is soo scary not to be able to plan your life (asides holding onto the Word). So many things are happening in my life at about the same time and it is just really scary that I am no longer in charge, the fright of what will happen next , will I survive it? is soo real.

I have come to realize that this strange feeling is something peculiar to a lot of believers particularly in the early days of their walk with God. The world feels like a really big place all of a sudden (before it felt like a small village), I do not know what the future holds for me but as strange as it is I am learning to trust God who has promised to give me a hope and a future.

I dunno but I really feel like 'an individual' now. Like I have been picked alone for this experience and so most times I feel all alone, many times I feel like i'm losing my mind, other times I feel really strange, like this new life is not real, like I am dreaming, like I am unconscious, like I would soon wake up to reality, like I'm going gaga.

                                                   'I think I need someone to explain it all to me and tell me that this  is actually real'

I am just really unsure of almost everything. I think the only thing I am sure of is the fact that Oluwa is involved in my matter., and even this fact is scary. Why did He become involved suddenly? Where is all of this leading to? What does He really want from me? Will I be a capable hand? What does He want me to do for Him? Am I losing it? What really is happening? Why does it seem like I am no longer normal? I really want to enjoy a normal life, I have been born-again for like 5/6 years now, so what explains all of these weird feelings? What is this all about?

I almost broke down/ gave up today. I am just very tired of all these strange feelings. I miss those days when I had an idea of what would happen next. I miss being a normal person (honestly I probably still look normal but I really do not feel normal), I wish there was someone's arms to run into now. I just really need help. I dunno what's happening with me. Someone please call 911.

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