Sunday, May 22, 2016

Loving my Best Friend :D

I think this redefining moment started fully in October 2015, though September was when things were actually put in place and set in motion; it (re-moment) has however been glorious. Apparently the Holy Spirit wanted to start full operations in me and so after many months of heaviness in my heart I finally quit my job without knowing what was going to happen next. Believe me, it was crazy, I personally felt I was running out of my mind, the fear of what would happen next was very real. I finally followed the yearning in my spirit and started reading my bible from Genesis (I completed it earlier this month and I have started it again...there is so much power in the Word) and believe me the Word is Life, it washes, cleanses, purifies & sanctifies. I read several other books, in short I have lost count of the books I have read in these past 8 months; I however started the 're-moment' with 'The Greatest Power in the Word' by Katherine Kulman and I just conclude "Evangelism by Fire' by Pst. Reinhard Bonkke.

So in the past 8 months, there has been a lot of unlearning and learning, tearing away, casting crowns, lifting hands, bowing hearts, forgiving others, living by faith, knowing my identity in Christ, casting out demons, fighting battles, breaking free, and so much more. It has been awesome but it hasn't been easy at all, but again His grace has been sufficient. I have had to cry so much; I never even knew that I actually had an issue with genuinely forgiving others, I always thought I was a very nice person only to realise that I'v only been nice according to human wisdom, I never knew I had been proud all the while only to find out that I had only been practising fake humility, well I somehow knew I had the traits of a feminist, I just never knew Submission was really a big issue for me, I never knew I had been living in fear all the while, at my best- I only wanted to live to impress others, there has never really been any other driving force; I never really knew the meaning of the love of Christ, I always thought I had faith- I just started knowing the meaning of living by faith, truthfully I never really appreciated gifts from people- While I thought it was because I naturally do not like collecting things from people- I just realised that it was actually because I had this 'I can afford something better' mentality, and so much more that I can't type.

I remember I fought that forgiveness issue so hard, but forreal, forgiveness gives the one that forgives peace. Particularly on relationship matters, I fought so hard to keep my barricades (I had unconsciously barricaded my heart so that no man would ever hurt me), but the Holy Spirit broke me flat. I remember saying "no, I can't become vulnerable' and I heard Him saying "yes, you have to become vulnerable and learn to trust me- which is exactly what I am doing now. I remember Him telling me to start living independent of others (I'm so used to depending on my siblings for everything, living with the last child mentality, living like a baby and so everybody must pamper me, lacking boldness to launch out/take the initiative except my siblings/friends are willing to walk the walk with me). Thanks to my best friend, I have become a better daughter, sibling, friend and person in all ramifications. I trust God to overcome all of my fears (some of them are still there), to become fearless, to get rid of emotions- emotions make people fragile.

The 'moment' is not over; as a matter of fact it will never be over. However, the foundation has been set, since there's no going back- we can only by God's grace build on it. Today I yearn so much for His fullness, to shine brighter and brighter as His light, to be excellent in all things, to be a good example to believers, to bear fruits, to shake the world, to be a blessing to millions, to be the head, to stand firm, grow in the grace and knowledge of Christ Jesus, to get the Crown, and much more. I look forward to an everlasting relationship with Him.........

Something puzzling is that I am very aware that the Holy Spirit is present, I sometimes, I am not just sure that I hear Him everything He speaks and this is a major concern. Many at times I just ask 'what exactly do You want from me' and I hear nothing.  There's nothing as scary as thinking God is leading into something and then you pray so much for it to come into manifestation without your prayer ever getting answered. It has just made me feel that I have been hearing wrongly and I am now in so many doubts, I have even gotten tired of praying and asking for the next line of action but then I am getting really restless these days and it doesn't feel good. I shouldn't be feeling this way right?? but forreal i'm really trying hard not to faint and I am getting tired of trying. I just wish He would speak clearly now, about what He wants me to do and make provisions for me to do it

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