Serzly ummmnnnn............... Sometimes I bother about my true state with God. I know I have accepted Jesus as my Lord and Personal Saviour, that I cannot stand somethings and that I can no longer do some things, yet I still find myself indulging in old habits. Any time I remember my favourite words or my most used words before I became a Christian, I feel I have a right standing but whenever I remember how I still struggle with old habits and how things are not the way I want them to be, I feel I have angered God and He has deleted me from His book.
Okay before I became a christian, I always started my greetings with fool,ode, mumu how are you?, it seemed perfect to me; I remember I and Ore used to have misunderstandings because of it, but I just couldn't think of a better way to greet people. And I remember that I used to tell people shut-up a lot, I and my twin bro used to have misunderstandings a lot because I was always telling him to shut up. At a point, we didn't even like each other. He couldn't stand me and I couldn't stand him too. I expected him to be telling me to shut-up too and to be calling me mumu,ode .
I really can remember how I stopped, I just know that I couldn't just call anybody stupid again. There was just this inner conviction that since I couldn't even make a teddy bear then I had no reason to qualify humans with a name God hadn't called them. Just to chip it in, I wasn't insulting those people oo, they were my friends and that was just my way of greeting them. I don't really insult people because I don't quarrel with people. Though I wasn't really a Christian before then, I always went to church whenever I was at home and sometimes in school but I was morally upright( the respect I had for my dad was enough to instill that) and so I was never ill-mannered. I didn't used to fight/quarrel/abuse strangers. It was only close peeps that I used to yab/call names.
So if I was able to stop that, why cant I stop grumbling. I grumble a lot at home and now I don't like it, I have gotten so used to it, that against my wish, I still find myself doing it. I have made conscious effort to stop it and it still hasn't stopped. I know I used to be very disrespectful to my family members( that's the thing; I exhibit my bad habits only at home to family members)but I don't want to be disrespectful anymore; I want them to even forget that there was once a time when miibee was so rude and disrespectful. I've prayed about it severally and im trusting the Holy Spirit to help me stop.
I want to be a very respectful, hardworking, responsible and loving daughter and sister.
Why cant I stop engaging in some really distracting thoughts. Honestly, I have prayed and prayed to really stop this. I want to be thinking about heavenly things not replaying what I read in romance novels with me and my spouse as key characters in my head. I have always loved reading romance novels, watching romantic movies; my best part in movies is the kissing part. I remember University days when I first started downloading movies; if its not a romantic movie, there's no "I love you" scene, there's no kissing scene, it is not a love me jeje movie, then I won't download it. So you can imagine the terabytes of romance activities that is in my head. It has always been a habit to act this romantic scenes in my head, many at times, that has been my lullaby to sleep. Imagine sleeping off with a thought like that( thinking about it now, I wasn't living at all. I was just passing time on earth "all these wasted time") and waking up with that thought. My life was meaningless. The annoying part or should I say the good part is that I couldn't do all I did in my head in the physical; my dad would have just disowned me (my dad was the only factor that kept me morally upright before Christ took over).
Now that I claim that Christ has taken over, I still find myself reading romantic story books( I still read them but I tell myself that the books have no power over me again). Now that I have genuinely and diligently decided to stop reading them, I have found out that I still have some crazy thoughts in my head. I don't want to harbor such thoughts again, even if it will still happen in years to come; it is time wasting and I don't like the fact that it is x-rated; makes me feel like I am still indulging in sin and as such God is not pleased with me and is punishing me. I don't want to feel guilty, unclean, filthy anymore. I want to be in right standing with God; Holy Spirit help me to live pure, holy and sanctified before you.
I really look forward to living a very productive life, where I will always be up and about and I will be deemed to be smart, sharp, bright, talented, hardworking, God-fearing, intelligent, proactive, go-getting, excellent in all doings, filled with wisdom, living like Christ.